I was at a lecture at the time, it was the beginning of my sophomore year at Concordia University Law School.  I had my birthday the day before, but I do not recall any big party or a hangover. It was a lecture of Public International Law by Maureen B Fitzmahan, one of the American permanent lecturers at Concordia. Suddenly, text messages started arriving that New York City is attacked and the whole city blown up, the skyline gone. Everyone was taken aback, but the lecture did go on, people who had relatives or friends in the US were suggested to go and try to contact their relatives. Concordia at the time was very international, with a few American students.

I was quite shocked and thought about the impact to the world when I was waiting for the bus to take me back to my parents flat in Õismäe from Viimsi, where this small private university was located. It was such a clear and beautiful, sunny day, but I wanted to return quickly to find out more what had happened. The world really seemed different.

There have been terrorist attacks before and after September 11, 2011, but not one of those had the same impact on me.

I am selling my almost new mattress, because I bought a bed which requires a bigger mattress. The mattress is 140×200, orthopaedic and ecological, it feels really good to sleep on. I want 4 300 EEK for it, as I paid about 5 300 for it five months ago.

• no meat (except fish)
• no white bread, pastries or any other such stuff (only black bread or healthy bread is allowed)
• no sweets
• no alcholic beverages
• no sodas or lemonade (incl Pepsi and Dr. Pepper)

Uh-oh, this is going to be difficult.

I lived without a kitchen before, but then it was for a shorter period and I did live at a location which was at the heart of the city so whenever I was hungry I could very easily go to a shop or café. In my new place, I have still not located a suitable place, although I guess Kristiine Keskus will do if necessary. I thought having no kitchen would make me more free, instead it has limited my options: I have to struggle to find a place to eat, there is limited amount of foods that can be prepared with just hot water kettle, etc etc.

On the upside, I have lost a few kg-s because I am unable to go to the refridgerator in the evening and have a little snack. If there is no food around, one cannot eat too much food. The irregular eating habits have, however, proven to be not so healthy for me, so my family doctor has suggest that I eat probiotics.

There is another side to it. The kitchen does really make a place of living home. One does not even have to cook very often, but there needs to be a possibility for cooking.

Money-wise, I thought that not having a kitchen would be tremendously expensive, because you need to always eat out. However, that seems not to be the case, my budget for food seems to be pretty much the same as it was when I had the kitchen, there is even small savings as I do not eat so much snacks. 

The biggest problem I have with not having a kitchen is actually not being able to cook. I did not think I would miss cooking so much, but I do. I am not an especially good cook, but I do.

So, I hope my kitchen will be ready soon. It will be a special kind of kitchen as I never just do anything in a normal way, but hopefully it will be a good kitchen for me. My requests were quite simple:

• it should not be or look like a regular kitchen (i.e. it should not be so massive woodwork structure), but with a simple kind beauty,
• there must be a refridgerator and a stove, everything else is extra. There should not be a microwave, as I do not like them.

Trust

As I was feeding squirrels in the park, I noticed a small one that didn’t seem to trust me. While the others came close enough to eat out of my hand, he kept his distance. I threw a peanut his way. He edged up, grabbed it nervously, and ran off. Next time he must have felt less afraid, because he came a little closer. The safer he felt, the more he trusted me. Finally he sat right at my feet, as bold as any squirrel clamoring for the next peanut.

Trust is like that — it always seems to come down to trusting in yourself. Others can’t overcome fear for you; you have to do it on your own. It’s hard, because fear and doubt hold on tight. We are afraid of being rejected, of being hurt once more. So we keep a safe distance. We think separating ourselves from others will protect us, but that doesn’t work, either. It leaves us feeling alone and unloved.

Trusting yourself begins by recognizing that it’s okay to be afraid. Having fear is not the problem, because everyone feels anxious and insecure sometimes. The problem is not being honest enough to admit your fear. Whenever I accept my own doubt and insecurity, I’m more open to other people. The deeper I go into myself, the stronger I become, because I realize that my real self is much bigger than any fear.

In accepting yourself completely, trust becomes complete. There is no longer any separation between people, because there is no longer any separation inside. In the space where fear used to live, love is allowed to grow.

These wise words were written by Michael Jackson, of all people, in his book Dancing the Dream. I think there is a lot of truth to this. It has been difficult for me to trust people, and part of it is not being able to accept my own insecurity and fears.

But the best thing about Tasku is the multiplex cinema Cinamon, which has reasonable prices and where I saw 2 great, but diametrically different films. On Saturday I saw “High School Musical 3: Senior Year,” which was wonderful, although perhaps for me already a bit too fast-paced. It used the same formula that worked well for the wildly successful made-for-TV previous intalments and it translated into the movie screen rather well. Kenny Ortega is a genius. The songs perhaps could have been a bit better, but on the whole it was great.

Today I saw the Estonian film “Detsembrikuumus (December Heat)“, which I actually liked even more. Estonian films have gone a long way, and I really think the film was brilliantly done and acted. I especially liked Tõnu Kark, but the whole experience was so good. The film is about the attempted Soviet coup in Estonia on 1 December 1924, but there were references also to today’s challenges throughout the film.

I used to dislike Tartu, but now I cannot wait before I can return here. The Tasku centre is a worthy addition to the magic of Tartu.